Why Do You Want to Get Married?

In mid January, I received news of a cousin who passed away, in very unfortunate circumstances. Not even 40 yet, she had her whole life ahead of her, and yet she passed away in her father's house after a long illness, leaving behind an estranged husband and a 13 year old daughter. As what was once her life was dissected, I discovered that for the last 5 years of her life, she lived apart from her husband. She injured her legs, and was having mobility issues. Her husband dropped her and their daughter off at her mother's, in the village, for what was supposed to be a brief visit, and he never returned -- until the day of her burial. It is also certain that in the time apart from his wife, he is with another woman (perhaps a new wife) and has children. Every three months or so, he sent my cousin 5000 naira ($26) to take care of herself and their daughter. Numerous calls were made to the man, to come and help her aging mother and aunt take care of his wife, but to no avail. He wasn't even planning to attend her funeral, until he was told that his absence would result in a curse being placed on him.

My Cousin's Story

I wasn't particularly close to this cousin; I have seen her about 5 times or so in my entire life. However, I saw her in 2013 and I have heard a lot about her. An outstanding student who studied and is fluent in french, she was a very intelligent and beautiful woman. I may not have been close to her, but I could not help but mourn the sheer neglect from those around her, that aided in destroying her life. As I thought about her, I wanted to know more about her, and I asked about her life. Apparently, right after university, she was pressured into getting married, to a man whose desire of her was questionable at best.

You see, the man she ended up getting married to, came to her parents to ask for her younger sister's hand in marriage. Her younger sister refused (maybe at the bidding of her mother?), and it was suggested that he marry her. I have a boatload of questions for the man who agreed to such an arrangement, but the answer I needed immediately is why she agreed. As far as I have heard, the man is no match for her intelligence or even her physical looks. So, why did she agree to marry a man, whose primary intention was to marry her younger sister?

She had heard, one too many times, how important it was to get married quickly. Unfortunately, once a girl is out of high school, there are still lots of people, who believe that the time in college, should be spent studying and husband hunting. It is expected tat right of college, the next step is marriage - whether a girl is ready or not. Between society and her mother, my cousin did not stand a chance. The fact that her younger sisters were receiving marriage offers before her, only added fuel to fire. The result, a marriage to a man who could care less about her, and abandoned her when she needed someone the most.

Lessons Learned

I am still trying to take away various lessons from her life and death, but the result of the news is my thinking about why I want to get married. My cousin wanted to get married because it was the thing to do, and it was important to her, that she marry before her younger sisters.

I will be honest. When I was about 19 or 20, I could not wait for marriage. I even laid off facebook for almost a year, because I had a lot of former secondary school classmates posting their wedding pictures, and even baby pictures. I was envious and I wondered when I would post mine. I was probably in a frame of mind to make the same mistake that my cousin did. I probably would have said yes to any xy chromosomes person that came along. I bless almighty God for not allowing that to be my lot.

Something about turning 26 made me change my view - I am not exactly sure what. But I started to focus more on my development as a person. I started assessing my dreams and working hard on achieving them. I want to get a number of professional certificates, run multiple businesses, create and own an international conglomerate, build a church, learn 5 different languages, and do God's work in whatever capacity I can. Before 26, I did not work as hard as I should towards any of these, because I was so scared that my life wasn't following the prescribed formula (school, marriage, children, stuff).

Why we want to get married & Why we should be Patient

A lot of us are looking forward to marriage, because we feel lonely, or because it is the thing to do. It is expected that we get married, especially by a certain age. We have got to learn to be patient and wait on God. He is a God that has said all good things will come to those who believe and trust in him. Marriage is a good thing, and the God who keeps his promises will definitely make it happen for all of us. In the meantime, there is more to us, than marriage. There is the dream God wants you to fulfill, the individual he wants you to become, the inner you God needs you to discover before you tie the knot with someone else. Just remember: regardless of where we are, and our ages and achievements, the one God has destined for us will definitely find us. However, haste and a lack of patience increases the likelihood that we will make the kind of mistake that my cousin made.

On February 7th, I took one more step closer to 30, and while I am praying for marriage, I have learned, with the aid of the holy spirit, to temper my desire for marriage with patience and a need to grow as a person. I am back on facebook and find that I am genuinely happy and thrilled for all I know, who have advanced to that stage of life. I even celebrate and pray for all of them to pick up the phone and call me, because there is a baby shower going on. I want to get married because I love someone and want to create a family with the person and grow old together with a person - no other reason. So, take an honest look within yourself and sincerely ask and answer the question: Why do you want to get married?

By Chizoba Morah